Notices
Let’s be honest—disclaimer pages are dumb. Idiots don’t read them. Smart people don’t need them. But just in case you’re still here, and... let’s say, not exactly firing on all cylinders—I’ll play along.
First off: Just because I got a killer result in someone else’s case doesn’t mean you’re going to get the same result. Wild concept, I know. You might be a jerk. Your case might be trash. The judge might be having a bad hair day. And if any of that’s true, odds are, there’s not a lawyer on Earth who can save you. Including me. Capisce?
Next up—the fairy dust: Everything on this site is “for informational purposes only” and “does not constitute legal advice.” Like me saying that has some magical effect. Here's what that malarkey really means: Don’t rely on what you read here - especially if your from out of state. And if you do - that's on you. If you need real legal advice, do yourself a favor; step away from your screen and talk to a lawyer. Preferably a smart one. Trust me—it matters.
Third: just because I use spooky sharks on my website doesn’t mean I'm down for breaking the rules. I don’t need to fight dirty. I win clean—and win often. I take the Rules of Professional Conduct very seriously, even if I don’t take nonsense like this seriously.
And in case you’re dying to know, my firm’s juris number is 443772. You’re welcome to use it as your next lotto pick. Something tells me it's going to be a winner.
My privacy policy? Let's see … we're a law office. Whatever information you choose to share with us is confidential. We won't sell or share it. Duh.
Oh, and online testimonials. We appreciate them. But if you ask us to modify your name or pic, that's totally cool too. We know family law is a sensitive subject. We'll respect your privacy.
What else? Requesting a consultation online is no guarantee you'll get one. Kind of like dating. Sometimes ya swipe left. Sometimes ya swipe right. Can't talk to everyone. Got work to do.
Same goes if you want to hire us. Unlike some places, it takes more than a check and a pulse to get in the door. We're selective about who we work with. Some people are straight-up toxic.
And no, visiting this website doesn’t mean we have an attorney-client relationship. I mean… seriously? If that much wasn’t obvious, I can’t help you.
Think that about covers it.
Did you learn something? God, I hope not. But if you did, pour yourself a glass of warm milk, shut it down for the night, and watch some silly cat videos. You’ll get a lot more out of it.
I don’t prepare to negotiate,
I prepare to dominate.
When you’re facing someone who plays dirty, hides money, twists the truth, or weaponizes the legal system, you don’t need a lawyer who plays it safe—you need one who sees every angle, expects every move, and isn’t afraid to hit back harder with precision, strategy, and zero hesitation.
Notices
Let’s be honest—disclaimer pages are dumb. Idiots don’t read them. Smart people don’t need them. But just in case you’re still here, and... let’s say, not exactly firing on all cylinders—I’ll play along.
First off: Just because I got a killer result in someone else’s case doesn’t mean you’re going to get the same result. Wild concept, I know. You might be a jerk. Your case might be trash. The judge might be having a bad hair day. And if any of that’s true, odds are, there’s not a lawyer on Earth who can save you. Including me. Capisce?
Next up—the fairy dust: Everything on this site is “for informational purposes only” and “does not constitute legal advice.” Like me saying that has some magical effect. Here's what that malarkey really means: Don’t rely on what you read here - especially if your from out of state. And if you do - that's on you. If you need real legal advice, do yourself a favor; step away from your screen and talk to a lawyer. Preferably a smart one. Trust me—it matters.
Third: just because I use spooky sharks on my website doesn’t mean I'm down for breaking the rules. I don’t need to fight dirty. I win clean—and win often. I take the Rules of Professional Conduct very seriously, even if I don’t take nonsense like this seriously.
And in case you’re dying to know, my firm’s juris number is 443772. You’re welcome to use it as your next lotto pick. Something tells me it's going to be a winner.
My privacy policy? Let's see … we're a law office. Whatever information you choose to share with us is confidential. We won't sell or share it. Duh.
Oh, and online testimonials. We appreciate them. But if you ask us to modify your name or pic, that's totally cool too. We know family law is a sensitive subject. We'll respect your privacy.
What else? Requesting a consultation online is no guarantee you'll get one. Kind of like dating. Sometimes ya swipe left. Sometimes ya swipe right. Can't talk to everyone. Got work to do.
Same goes if you want to hire us. Unlike some places, it takes more than a check and a pulse to get in the door. We're selective about who we work with. Some people are straight-up toxic.
And no, visiting this website doesn’t mean we have an attorney-client relationship. I mean… seriously? If that much wasn’t obvious, I can’t help you.
Think that about covers it.
Did you learn something? God, I hope not. But if you did, pour yourself a glass of warm milk, shut it down for the night, and watch some silly cat videos. You’ll get a lot more out of it.
I don’t prepare to negotiate,
I prepare to dominate.
When you’re facing someone who plays dirty, hides money, twists the truth, or weaponizes the legal system, you don’t need a lawyer who plays it safe—you need one who sees every angle, expects every move, and isn’t afraid to hit back harder with precision, strategy, and zero hesitation.
Notices
Let’s be honest—disclaimer pages are dumb. Idiots don’t read them. Smart people don’t need them. But just in case you’re still here, and... let’s say, not exactly firing on all cylinders—I’ll play along.
First off: Just because I got a killer result in someone else’s case doesn’t mean you’re going to get the same result. Wild concept, I know. You might be a jerk. Your case might be trash. The judge might be having a bad hair day. And if any of that’s true, odds are, there’s not a lawyer on Earth who can save you. Including me. Capisce?
Next up—the fairy dust: Everything on this site is “for informational purposes only” and “does not constitute legal advice.” Like me saying that has some magical effect. Here's what that malarkey really means: Don’t rely on what you read here - especially if your from out of state. And if you do - that's on you. If you need real legal advice, do yourself a favor; step away from your screen and talk to a lawyer. Preferably a smart one. Trust me—it matters.
Third: just because I use spooky sharks on my website doesn’t mean I'm down for breaking the rules. I don’t need to fight dirty. I win clean—and win often. I take the Rules of Professional Conduct very seriously, even if I don’t take nonsense like this seriously.
And in case you’re dying to know, my firm’s juris number is 443772. You’re welcome to use it as your next lotto pick. Something tells me it's going to be a winner.
My privacy policy? Let's see … we're a law office. Whatever information you choose to share with us is confidential. We won't sell or share it. Duh.
Oh, and online testimonials. We appreciate them. But if you ask us to modify your name or pic, that's totally cool too. We know family law is a sensitive subject. We'll respect your privacy.
What else? Requesting a consultation online is no guarantee you'll get one. Kind of like dating. Sometimes ya swipe left. Sometimes ya swipe right. Can't talk to everyone. Got work to do.
Same goes if you want to hire us. Unlike some places, it takes more than a check and a pulse to get in the door. We're selective about who we work with. Some people are straight-up toxic.
And no, visiting this website doesn’t mean we have an attorney-client relationship. I mean… seriously? If that much wasn’t obvious, I can’t help you.
Think that about covers it.
Did you learn something? God, I hope not. But if you did, pour yourself a glass of warm milk, shut it down for the night, and watch some silly cat videos. You’ll get a lot more out of it.
I don’t prepare to negotiate,
I prepare to dominate.
When you’re facing someone who plays dirty, hides money, twists the truth, or weaponizes the legal system, you don’t need a lawyer who plays it safe—you need one who sees every angle, expects every move, and isn’t afraid to hit back harder with precision, strategy, and zero hesitation.